Never Split the Difference:Micro Review

Well, how do I describe this book. I am pretty conflicted. It was a great read and I did agree with some of its observations but the context actually made me question the observations.

Let me explain. Chris is a former FBI hostage negotiator and offers wisdom for day to day situations but that wisdom is based on his experiences while manipulating criminals to get his way. So ya. I am conflicted about this one.

Every chapter in his book has a lesson based on a real life hostage situation that the author has been through. After describing the real life scenario, he describes which negotiating techniques worked and which didn’t.

I will be honest. I really liked reading the book. It felt less like a business book but more like a thriller. It’s fast paced and had some good concepts around negotiation techniques and social skills in general. It will however still feel weird to apply the same techniques that was used with international terrorists to negotiate bedtime with your kids (as he proposes).

There were quite a few techniques that seemed effective — “mirroring”, “labeling”, “start with no” etc. And it all sounds great if you are negotiating with someone you want to get the better of.

However , there were also actually quite a few things that did not resonate at all. For example he has a scenario on salary negotiation and that is not how Salary negotiations work in my side of corporate America. Also, his overall assertion (and the title of the book) that win-win is not a good outcome doesn’t agree with my personal opinion.

So ya. Conflicted.

However, here are some nuggets that did resonate and will give you a flavor of the book:

“There’s the Framing Effect, which demonstrates that people respond differently to the same choice depending on how it is framed”

“Prospect Theory explains why we take unwarranted risks in the face of uncertain losses. And the most famous is Loss Aversion, which shows how people are statistically more likely to act to avert a loss than to achieve an equal gain.”

“Psychotherapy research shows that when individuals feel listened to, they tend to listen to themselves more carefully and to openly evaluate and clarify their own thoughts and feelings.”

“empathy is “the ability to recognize the perspective of a counterpart, and the vocalization of that recognition.”

“Tactical empathy is understanding the feelings and mindset of another in the moment and also hearing what is behind those feelings so you increase your influence in all the moments that follow.”

“So don’t settle and — here’s a simple rule — never split the difference. Creative solutions are almost always preceded by some degree of risk, annoyance, confusion, and conflict.”

“The F-word — “Fair” — is an emotional term people usually exploit to put the other side on the defensive and gain concessions.”

“Don’t ask questions that start with “Why” unless you want your counterpart to defend a goal that serves you. “Why” is always an accusation, in any language.”

“Set boundaries, and learn to take a punch or punch back, without anger. The guy across the table is not the problem; the situation is.”

“Get face time with your counterpart. Ten minutes of face time often reveals more than days of research.”